I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.