A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Cat or sheep
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt