Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)