I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
Seems legit
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.