“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…