airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”