Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar