We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.