I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.