*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.