It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy