You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”