you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.