One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds