Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.
My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.
Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren
We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.
But, no, instead we have all this!
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
Watching Terminator back in the 80s: This is such a cool fictional story!
In 2025: Shit.
the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible
AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”
*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*
Dropped an egg on the floor this morning, so now I have to tell one of my sons that he can’t go to college.
January is the Mondayest month of the year
my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.