Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@CatsVsHumanity: Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

@shutyourhell: girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

@AmirTalai: When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

@: [while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

@10kbabyspiders: While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.

@GorillaNipples1: Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

@carlyken: The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when Iā€™m smiling

@ClassADude: Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

@ankles_so_weak: invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?