@MarieLoerzel: Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
@CanadianBeave13: A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
@karanbirtinna: I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
@thepaulahunt: Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
My Son: Can I call him "New Dad"?
@Maxine12333: Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
@Kissee_Cheeks: I don't know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
@ThugRaccoons: Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
@UnFitz: Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.