@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@michimama75

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

@FuniBob

I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

@ozzyunc

If you eat it & you die it’s poisonous. If it bites you & you die it’s venomous or a bear.

@AmandaRNH

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

@LoganLowbrow

My dad just asked my 3 year old son who he would vote for and this absolute political genius confidently replied “SNACKS!” and I’ve never been so proud.

@THE_shitface

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

@toomanycommas3

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@whatbabytalk

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

@RunOldMan

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.