[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re


I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.


I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross


If you eat it & you die it’s poisonous. If it bites you & you die it’s venomous or a bear.


Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.


My dad just asked my 3 year old son who he would vote for and this absolute political genius confidently replied “SNACKS!” and I’ve never been so proud.



– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing


[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND


Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*


Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.