Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@CrockettForReal: Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza...

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

@ShortSleeveSuit: [Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin'?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that's what i done did

@CantWaitToNap: You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@AndyAsAdjective: *see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don't do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don't do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

@CulturedRuffian: If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I'll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

@justokpanda: Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

@minkpinkustink: it's cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don't even wake up and you can't teach that sort of thing

@Mom_Overboard: Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.