@wasteIandbaby: the noise i just made
@molly7anne: cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
@khanyew3st: Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️
@madisonfrench_: priest: it be like that sometimes
congregation: and sometimes like that it be
Date: when the waiter said there's your food, did you say "okey dokey"?
Me: ok you heard that
@AndyJokedAgain: man: I'd like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that's the whole problem
@TheAndrewNadeau: [Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”
ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
@iamspacegirl: alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
@murrman5: [lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
@shutupmikeginn: Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.