Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TweetsByKaylee: murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon :(

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :')

@UncleDuke1969: ME: *points at my "World's Greatest Dad" shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own "World's Greatest Dad" shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my "World's Greatest Dad" mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own "World's Greatest Dad" mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws "World's Greatest Dad" sword*

@sixfootcandy: Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

@DrakeGatsby: Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

@Megatronic13: My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

@SoVeryBritish: “Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

@BadMikeyBad: OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

@Darlainky: Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

@: Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage