Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@MarieLoerzel: Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

@CanadianBeave13: A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

@karanbirtinna: I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

@thepaulahunt: Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him "New Dad"?

@Maxine12333: Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

@erichwithach: At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

@Kissee_Cheeks: I don't know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

@ThugRaccoons: Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@AmishPornStar1: How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

@UnFitz: Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.