Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Jus’ sayin. 😐
