Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood