expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us