*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”