Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.


Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.


I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”


a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials


white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone


today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time


My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.


don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo


i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍