brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles


celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼


Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.


Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut


In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.


i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly


Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors



There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits


[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
Me: But we’ll get through it.
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.