@MadisonCarly26
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
@suecorvette
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
@ozzyunc
Astrology is bullshit. I know. I’m a stegosaurus.
@sarcasticmommy4
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
@TheNYAMProject
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
@Kristen_Arnett
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
@mattewe02
walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden
@thelateinnings
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
@perfectsweeties
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
@adamgreattweet
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues