@ObsKenobs

Teacher: your son has been bullying other students

The Mandalorian:

The Mandalorian, sighing: for their snacks?

Teacher: for their snacks

@AuntCunt

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

@TheAlexNevil

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

@iamdevloper

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

@XOSchitzo

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

@fro_vo

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

@3sunzzz

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

@sofarrsogud

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.