@whiskeyinadram

Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.

@MaryJustice86

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

@Young_Litigator

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

@thholyghost

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

@dlicj

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

@BattyMclain

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

@thombodytolove

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

@LilNasX

i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍