@MadisonCarly26

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

@suecorvette

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

@ozzyunc

Astrology is bullshit. I know. I’m a stegosaurus.

@sarcasticmommy4

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

@Kristen_Arnett

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

@mattewe02

walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden

@thelateinnings

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard