Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.


JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*


ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]


I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.


Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?


My 13 year old daughter just wrote her first resume. Under “skills” she wrote: I can make a bracelet out of dandelions. I can flip an egg without breaking it. Sometimes I can whisper “Alexa” so quietly that she doesn’t hear.”


Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.


Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.


People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that


A friend just shared a line from a student paper, “Despite being made in the late 1900s, many of the themes of The Matrix are still relevant today” and I can literally feel my body decaying in the grave.