@whiskeyinadram Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
@RodLacroix I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
@MaryJustice86 Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
@Young_Litigator I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
@sensual_dad a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
@thholyghost white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
@dlicj today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
@BattyMclain My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
@thombodytolove don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
@LilNasX i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍