@RobotThomas
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
@scot7a
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
@BigJDubz
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
@iGreenGod
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
@Swishergirl24
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
@Gooooats
My 13 year old daughter just wrote her first resume. Under “skills” she wrote: I can make a bracelet out of dandelions. I can flip an egg without breaking it. Sometimes I can whisper “Alexa” so quietly that she doesn’t hear.”
@SladeWentworth
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
@Wine_honey1
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
@Pork_Chop_Hair
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
@ElSandifer
A friend just shared a line from a student paper, “Despite being made in the late 1900s, many of the themes of The Matrix are still relevant today” and I can literally feel my body decaying in the grave.