@RobotThomas

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

@scot7a

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

@BigJDubz

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

@iGreenGod

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

@Swishergirl24

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

@Gooooats

My 13 year old daughter just wrote her first resume. Under “skills” she wrote: I can make a bracelet out of dandelions. I can flip an egg without breaking it. Sometimes I can whisper “Alexa” so quietly that she doesn’t hear.”

@SladeWentworth

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

@Wine_honey1

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

@ElSandifer

A friend just shared a line from a student paper, “Despite being made in the late 1900s, many of the themes of The Matrix are still relevant today” and I can literally feel my body decaying in the grave.