If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Just organising my finances.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
I’m ready to try another planet.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.