If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”