My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Creepy-crawlies
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
