The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Winnipeg!!
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.