i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*