Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.