One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm