I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this