Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card