Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.