You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land