police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
grotesque if literal: baby food
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.