Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car