My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica