going ballistic. anyone need anything?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.