My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.