“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”