I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
they really wanted me dead for this
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
When you have to use a public restroom.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.