when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.