My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.