agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
