It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?