I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”