I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however