Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!