me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
