a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs