Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”