me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off