[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate